you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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