I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
