Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
