I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
there is glitter all over my balls
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
