I wish I could punch you in the face.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Bring me that man meat
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize