if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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