It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
