I am spending my child support on dildos
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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