also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
