Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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