On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need to calm my uterus...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
