my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
