why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
