for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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