am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
