The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
