90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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