Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
