saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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