are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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