Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize