I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
