I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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