we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
