I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
