Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
