if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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