I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
