I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
