the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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