Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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