batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
