yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Randomize
