are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
