Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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