addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
