so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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