My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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