ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
