Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
tequila makes me forget i have legs
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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