my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
