Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
