its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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