The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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