I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
