apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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