This is not my ceiling
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
