Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
