it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
