Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
