When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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