My sheets look like a crime scene.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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