How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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