..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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