I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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