U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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