No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
