Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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