wakey wakey hands off snakey
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
