Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize