Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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