my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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