Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
