So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize