Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
