No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I supernannyed him into submission
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
