i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize