I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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