Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
