I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i out mim tonsoeep
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
