this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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