OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
