i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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