I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
