It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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