OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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