I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
