R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
