Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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