Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
