my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
